Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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