is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
