I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
