so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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