Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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