at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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