I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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