I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
