Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Terrible idea I love it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
