One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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