I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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