I'm going to jail i love you
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
