Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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