ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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