I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
