The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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