her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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