when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
