If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
