can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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