i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
