Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
