she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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