My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
