after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
