I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
