My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
