Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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