idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize