While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
