If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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