epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
