You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
