I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
