Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
