Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
