I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
