On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
