I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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