well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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