Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
