Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
