why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
