great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
