I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize