I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
