Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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