so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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