three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
