I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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