I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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