Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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