Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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