The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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