at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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