So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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