Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
