the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
