Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
