Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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