i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
