i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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