Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I got inside last night via doggy door
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
