Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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