probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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