I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sext me about skeletons
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
